Single and ready to mingle?

When it comes to re-entering the dating scene, single parents are now “a package deal, ” says psychotherapist and TV relationship expert Dr. Nicole McCance.

“They spend so much time with their children—but it’s finding the time to get out there and meet people.”

McCance, the author of ‘52 Ways to Beat Depression Naturally’, has been on such talk shows as The Social and Etalk, and often works closely with media outlets providing her psychological knowledge about issues like mental health.

McCance says about 50 per cent of her clients are single parents and most of them aren’t looking to have “fun” when they try dating again. They are looking to settle down and build a long-lasting relationship with someone they feel is a good fit for them and their child.

Parkin is a 21-year-old single mother living in Mississauga who co-parents with the father of her son. She says that growing up with her mother and father until her early teen years, she never really understood the struggle it was being a single parent and trying to meet someone new.

“I date on the weekends. Monday to Friday is ‘Noah time.’ Weekends are ‘Mommy time,’” she says.

She says thats when she was studying medical office administration at George Brown College, it was already hard for her to ask her grandmother to watch Noah, especially when she had really long days. So asking someone to watch him when she has a date doesn’t really sit well with her. She would rather wait until it is ‘her time,’ so she doesn’t feel like she isn’t spending enough time with him.

“Noah is my main priority and because I don’t know how things will go right away, I don’t want to confuse my son by introducing him to every guy I go on a date with. That’s just not right.”

McCance recommends that those who are single with kids and don’t have time to go out and meet someone try the online route.

Ragna Stamm’ler-Adamson, founder and CEO of 25Dates.com, says that using the website is a great way for single parents to meet new people.

“It is a fantastic way to get their feet wet again, because they haven’t been in the dating scene for a while and aren’t sure what to expect any more.”

25Dates.com is a speed dating website Stamm’ler-Adamson started 13 years ago in Toronto. The goal of the website it is to open up opportunities for singles, with and without children, she explains.

Participants meet other singles and go on 25 real dates each in a three-minute time span.

Their events are held at a predetermined location that is given on the website along with the age specific sections. They have events for a wide variety of singles, ranging in age from 20 to 49.

Stamm’ler-Adamson explains that people are usually a bit nervous when they get to the venue because it’s a new thing and they’ve never done anything like it before. After the first few dates, though, those same nervous individuals begin to loosen up.

“It is a good way for them to practise opening up to other people again,” Stamm’ler-Adamson adds.

Being a single mom slowly making her way back into the dating scene, Parkin says, “I would definitely go speed dating, but not alone. One of my friends has to come with me or I wouldn’t do it.”

She says she feels that because of the way females are portrayed in the media, it makes it seem like males have an easier time getting back on the “playing field” than women do.

“I just don’t get why women always look so bad if they have a child and move on from their ex, but the other way around is fine.”

McCance disagrees, saying, “I think that males can date more people at once and be less emotionally invested at the beginning, but a lot of men I see struggle with the exact same thing.”

She describes single parents as being “more cautious” and says that whether the individual is a single mother or father, they both deal with the same issues and insecurities, risking letting themselves get hurt again by opening up to a new person.

Parkin explains that her dating experiences don’t just matter to her anymore, but they matter to her son, too. She says that letting a man meet her son is almost like bringing a guy home to meet her dad.

“Noah is a really fun and friendly boy, but he is also so protective of me even at two,” she says.

She talks about one date in particular that she would classify as the worst one she’s ever been on.

“This guy seemed really sweet. I’ve known him for a few years and he asked me out a couple times in high school but I never said yes. I guess he heard about my recent breakup and wanted to try again and I figured, ‘Why not? What’s the harm?’ So I finally agreed to go on a date with him.”

She describes the date in an array of words, ranging from ‘interesting’ to ‘fun’ ending with ‘awkward.’

“I could tell this guy really wanted to make things work. I’m pretty sure I shocked him when I finally agreed to the date,” she says. “Everything was fine; we went to a movie, bowling, then to dinner, all in one night. I knew he wasn’t playing around. I was actually enjoying myself until he told me he didn’t like kids or want any of his own,” she said.

“That was an instant red flag for me because I see myself having another child in the future and he pretty much told me he didn’t like my son without saying the words.”

Parkin says that after that date she was more confident than ever that taking things slow and being patient is the right way to do things.

“He was a great guy, but after I told him I couldn’t see him anymore because of what he said, he tried changing his words around. It didn’t help– just made me even more sure of my decision to never go out with him again.”

Parkin explains that of the four dates she’s been on over the summer, that one was the worst, but it didn’t ruin anything for her. It only made her understand the risks of putting yourself out there and waiting for find the right person for her and her son.

“I’ve had fun on the couple dates I’ve been on; I forgot that there were more fun things than watching Speed Racer every day,” she said.

Donna Parkin is picky when it comes to choosing a partner. It’s not that she cares too much about how he looks or what he does for a living. The most important thing to her is that the person she decides to invest her free time in is also 100-per-cent accepting of her two-year-old son.

“If a guy wants to be a part of my life, he has to be able to accept my son, or I can’t accept him,” she says.

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