Be the best parent after separation

If you ask parents what is most important to them, in most cases, their first answer is their child’s happiness. This likely does not change when a marriage comes to an end, as parents deal with divorce or separation.

The heartache of separation can be felt far beyond just the couple, as children are caught in the middle of a new and unfamiliar family life. As each family is different, there is no right way in letting your children know about your separation.

“It really depends on the developmental stage of each child, and where they are at mentally and emotionally,” says Stella Kavoukian, a social worker at Connection Child and Family Counselling in Toronto. “An adolescent who is thinking about dating and getting involved in relationships may be more sensitive to that relationship, and the issues that might come up with it, than perhaps a younger child will be.”

Juliane Fung was only five at the time of her parents’ separation, and was not aware of the changes that were happening. “(My parents) didn’t tell my sisters and I that they were getting separated. We were moving, and my mom just told me that my dad wasn’t coming to live with us in the new house,” she recalls.

“I suppose I was lucky that I was so young because it didn’t cause me any pain. I was just too young to understand what was really happening.”

Her mother, Jean, reflects on one of the common mistakes parent often make in handling separation with their children. “In hindsight, there was a dire lack of communication. There as no talk at all; it was something that just happened,” she says. “It was more a case of, ‘This is going to happen; let’s pack up and leave.’ It was not a sit-down [conversation], saying, ‘Well children, there is going to be a separation. I know that you’ll have questions.’”

Communicating the terms of the separation clearly and honestly is vital, so that children know exactly what to expect afterwards, and are not left with any unanswered questions.

“At some point when parents feel that it is a comfortable time, they should tell their kids that the decision is final. Otherwise, kids end up having fantasies of reconciliation,” Kavoukian says. “But you don’t want to get into the specific details of your separation, as that is overwhelming, and not helpful for kids to necessarily know.

“Those are the issues between two parents, and what happened between them in their adult relationship.”

Adam Terpstra, a M.Ed. student with the Department of Applied Psychology and Human Development at the University of Toronto, advises that effective phrasing also makes the conversation understandable for kids.

“However the conversation is approached, identify, define, and explain the core of the conversation so everyone is on the same page,” he says. “For example, ’We want to talk with you about some changes that will be happening soon. When we say “change”, we are talking about ‘insert definition here.’ What this might or will look like is insert explanation here.’”

Terpstra is also a co-facilitator with the Fathering After Separation or Divorce program at the Canadian Centre for Men and Families. He notes that open communication does not simply begin and end with the children. “The issue at hand is not the divorce; it is how the child or children will continue to receive effective, loving, nurturing, and supportive parenting from both parents,” he says.

Life as a co-parent is a probably the most difficult area to navigate after separation. The stress of trying to maintain a normal family routine for your children, while having to think about things like child support or living arrangements may cause friction between parents.

“We were both just angry at first, with each other. Over time, I realized that being angry was not beneficial for anybody,” Fung recalls of arguments with her ex. “Do not blame the other parent for the situation, although there may be times when you are tempted to. I don’t think you should ever pit the kids against the other parent.”

When it comes to developing a civil relationship with your co-parent, Kavoukian agrees that setting your differences aside for the children will make the transition easier. “One of the messages you always want to give your children is that you are going to do your very best to be there for them, as co-parents. Maybe you could go out and have a hot chocolate together, or have dinner together to show a little bit of cohesiveness,” she suggests.

At 21, Juliane Fung, a political science student at the University of Toronto, realizes that even though having your parents separate is not easy, it can sometimes be for the better. “Throughout my childhood, I never really saw any examples of happy married couples. My mom and dad were the first example of a bad relationship,” she says. “The separation was a good thing because it was better for everyone’s sanity if two people who don’t get along do not live in the same house anymore. Forcing a relationship isn’t a good thing.”

According to Statistics Canada’s 2011 General Social Survey on Families, about four in 10 parents (38 per cent) had a child together at the time of their separation or divorce. In that year, an estimated 1.2 million Canadian parents were not in a spousal or common-law relationship with their child’s mother or father.

Ending a marriage and managing a family through this time can make you feel as though you are in it on your own. Parents going through separation or divorce should know that they are not alone.

Terpstra suggests reaching out and finding support in your community to help guide you through.

“Depending on where parents live and what resources are accessible, community-based resources and agencies are an excellent source of support,” he says. “In Toronto, the Canadian Centre for Men and Families provides a space for men in pursuit of support during transitions. Religious-based groups, individual therapy/counselling, and other specialized services are often available for parents.”

There is no official handbook for how to be the best parent after separation. After all, separation is not an event; it is a process full of unique challenges and obstacles that no one can predict.

Fung realizes how the separation made her a better parent in the end. “For myself, I became a stronger person in that I became more confident in speaking up, as I didn’t have another adult to do it for me. If things were not going right, I had the confidence to speak up about it,” she says.

“In the end, you realize you did not end. That your kids’ lives did not end. If I had just turned inwards and just wallowed in being a single parent, it could’ve turned out badly. Instead, I took full responsibility and just tried to do things the best that I could.”

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